Susie Caron Pet & Wildlife Art
  • HOME
    • HOW TO ORDER YOUR PET PORTRAIT
    • PET PORTRAITS & REVIEWS
  • ABOUT
  • ARTIST'S BLOG
  • GALLERY STORE
    • Books
    • AWARD WINNING PAINTINGS BY SUSIE E CARON
  • HOME
    • HOW TO ORDER YOUR PET PORTRAIT
    • PET PORTRAITS & REVIEWS
  • ABOUT
  • ARTIST'S BLOG
  • GALLERY STORE
    • Books
    • AWARD WINNING PAINTINGS BY SUSIE E CARON
Search by typing & pressing enter

YOUR CART

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   PARENTING BLOG
SUSIE E CARON
MOTHER, TEACHER AND PSYCHOLOGIST RETIRED
WELL, MOTHER'S NEVER RETIRE. RIGHT?


2/6/2016

Best Practices - When Kids Get Upset

Picture
Best Parent Practices for When Kids Get Upset
Susie Caron © 2/6/16
 
Parents’ want to figure out ‘what’s going on” when their little-ones tantrum, or when bigger kids scream irrationally at them about their issues, but parents ask the wrong question: parents ask kids, “Why?”

If you have asked 'why', you probably recognized two things.
First, your Kids  don’t  seem to be able to give you any clear reason for their outbursts.
Second, if you get angry and punish your kids without understanding, they behave more badly.

              Have you wondered “What am I doing wrong?” or perhaps “What else can I do?”


I suggest a much better way to handle kids when they seem agitated, and before they become overwhelmed and get worse.

Distract & Redirect Little Ones.

With little ones you’ll want to distract and redirect them because they probably don’t know or cannot tell you ‘why’ they feel overwhelmed.

You can try to ask:
Where do you want me to sit and watch?
How are your feet?
Who’s making that noise?

              The idea is to try to distract and redirect them and teach them how to self-soothe.

If attempts to distract and redirect doesn’t stop the tantrum, it’s necessary to provide some calming time. To do this you could get a book and hold your child while you point out pictures until he or she forgets to tantrum. Alternatively, put your child in a nice warm bath. Stay with your child and watch him/her play. Your child may go into the water, yelling, kicking and screaming, but as the water cools he/she will also calm down. Then maybe a nice nap, for you both will help. As they grow a little older you can use the following ideas.
 
Calm then Engage School  Aged Kids
School aged kids sometimes become so overwhelmed by issues and the business of life that they act out by yelling, screaming, and using language you don’t want. Often what they yell about doesn’t make any sense to the adult ear. Punishment may get your child out of your hair and reduce everyone’s anxiety after the fact. However, it doesn’t teach your children how to handle big emotions, especially when they cannot really identify the reason(s).


To help school aged kids stop yelling and get to the bottom of their issues, use this approach.
First, Take everything out of your hands, turn your body and eyes toward your child and stand within 6-8 feet.
Then say,

“I see you are upset and I’d like to listen. I can hear you better when you to lower your voice and speak respectfully to me.”

Wait and repeat that you want to listen and you can’t as easily hear when he/she is so loud.
Say, “Please lower your voice and speak to me respectfully and I will listen.”


If your child cannot do this, send him/her to time out until ready to do so.  
This is an important skill everyone must learn:


“When too upset to be somewhat reasonable, go to your own space and calm yourself. Then we’ll talk.”

When your child has calmed enough, do not ask, “WHY?”
Don't say,

 “Why were you so upset?”  

This question, beginning with the word “Why?” just sets kids off again on another round of screaming.
Why?
Because the word “Why” implies that their answers will be judged.


Think about how you felt when family members and friends have asked you questions like these:
 “Why do you let your kids stay up so late?”
“Why are you having more children?”
“Why do you work outside your home when your spouse makes so much money?”
“Why don’t you send your children to MY preschool?”

Do you see how these questions feel? Questions that begin with “why” make you worry that you and your answer, will be judged.

Kids feel the same way.
They don’t want you to judge them. They want you to listen and to offer validation for their overwhelming feelings. They count on you to help them learn to calm down, navigate life and handle their issues. In addition, they often don’t really have any clear answer for “why” so they may just grab any answer that seems like the reason. Then they get more upset and you do too.


After they calm, ask useful questions.
So make life easier on yourself and your kids. After you focus on softening the behavior (which teaches your kids that they can calm themselves enough to talk about issues) then ask questions like these, and be careful to not judge while you listen and validate their feelings.


What happened that made you upset?
How did you feel when that happened?
What would you like to do about it?
Who do you want to talk with next?
Is there something you want me to do?
How do you feel now?

Validate their feelings
With each question your child answers, name and validate the feelings, even if they weren’t expressed. This teaches your child to identify the feelings and how to hook them to things that happened.

So you say things like:
“Wow, I’ll bet  you felt really angry about that.”
“Oh, so you really wanted to hit her? It must have been hard to hold back.”
“You’re afraid your teacher won’t listen? What makes you worried about that?”

Here are some more feeling words you might need.  (Want more, Google Feeling Words.)
Jealous                         courageous                 suspicious                 irritated
Sad                                  uncertain                     unsafe                          afraid
Frustrated                  helpless                        discouraged             resentful
Worried                       discouraged               uncomfortable       leery 
 
What do you think?

Did you find this article helpful, interesting? Please leave a comment and I’ll reply.
Don’t forget to sign up HERE for your free gift “How To Get the Respect You Deserve.”

Twee’ Means You and Me
Working Together to Raise Good Kids.




Comments are closed.
    Picture
    Susie E. Caron 
    These are from my former life with many current memories and helps for parents. 
    I retired from teaching, became a psychotherapist treating children and families and an author. After retiring I became a full time artist. 
    I recently reopened this parenting blog because I believe wisdom is to be shared. 
     

    Author of Chidren's Books,
    Christian, Wife, & Mother, I want to help you build parent-child relationships, 1 blog, & books at a time.
    When I'm not  busy creating articles or paintings, you might find me  looking for dark chocolate or playing with my Boxer, Josie.
    Disclaimer
    These articles are for educational and self-help purposes only and are not intended as psychotherapy. 
    If you experience unusual symptoms or discomfort please see your medical or mental health practitioner.

    No patent liability is assumed for use of the information contained. The author disclaims any responsibility for loss or risk for use or application  of this material.
    Picture
         Buy All 3 Today.

    Categories

    All About Kids Family Activities Memories Parent Tips PictureBooks Poetry Relationships Safety Self Care WritePublishMarket WritePulishMarket

    Picture
    Tweets by @CGPSusieCaron

    Archives

    January 2017
    December 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015
    October 2015
    September 2015
    August 2015
    July 2015
    June 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015
    December 2014
    November 2014
    October 2014
    September 2014
    August 2014
    July 2014
    June 2014
    April 2014
    November 2013
    October 2013
    September 2013
    August 2013
    July 2013
    June 2013
    May 2013
    April 2013
    March 2013

    RSS Feed

    Blog  Reviews & Thank You!
    Sheila Michelle‎
    July 13 at 7:17pm · 
    Just wanted to say that I love your posts about the different ways to connect/relate/understand your child. It has given me a new approach towards understanding my daughter and allowing HER to tell me how she feels instead of me suggesting to her how she should feel. Thanks Susie!

    
   Susie E. Caron ., Author   c 2013 - 2021...  All Rights Reserved.
*Affiliate Links: Some of the links I may post from time to time are "affiliate links."   This means if you click on the link and purchase the item, I will receive an affiliate commission., which does not affect the price you  pay. I only recommend products or services I use personally and believe will add value to my readers. However, the customer is responsible to research and choose according to personal and business needs. The customer, and not this author, also assumes full responsibility for use, loss or risk for selecting and using products and services. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255: "Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials." 
Susie E. Caron      2013 - 2016
***Disclaimer
These articles are for educational and self-help purposes only .
No patent liability is assumed for use of the information contained.The author disclaims any responsibility for loss or risk for use or application  of this material.
Memberships and Affiliations​
  • AWeber Email
  • Village Frame Shoppe & Gallery
  • ​Bryan Memorial Gallery
  • Northern Vermont Artists Associations​
  • Vermont Crafts Council
AWeber Free: Email marketing for free. No credit card required.