To Create & Demolish My Art

To Create & Demolish My Art
Susie E Caron (c) 2020

​Painting, is my pleasurable service to  pet portrait customers. However, sadly, in every artist’s life there comes a time to destroy one or more ‘stored’ paintings. It may be for different reasons and different for every artist.
 
Yesterday it happened to me.
 
I approach destruction of my art with reluctance. 
I feel like part of me and the imagined recipient, who I keep in mind while painting, are somehow inextricably linked.  It hurts to think of hurting anything so precious.
 
My collection grew.
 
Early in my art career I painted all kinds of animals. One by one I added them to the walls of our tiny log home. I treasured each creative accomplishment and basked in the pleasure I felt, surrounded by my ‘animal life.’
 
The day came when I noticed my new creations appeared vastly improved from earlier works. I ignored this and added more to our walls. I couldn’t I bring myself to remove the older ones and tear them up!
 
I further rationalized keeping them in two ways.  I figured when I died my early art would become collector’s items. Conversely, I envisioned that my kids, with tear- filled-eyes after my funeral, would want every single painting  from our home. (Right!?)

That’s not how it usually works
 
My husband frequently warned me that instead of these two scenarios, much of my art would more likely end up in a dumpster. Alternatively, the kids could hold an estate sale and ‘get rid of’ everything for pennies. (Leftovers to go in the dumpster anyway.)

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Still I hesitated.
 
From my early careers teaching, psychology and raising kids I knew that toys taken away from young children before they are ready to ‘donate or toss,’ can cause experience of loss. Not like a death but akin to it. The loss reflects some unfinished business of personality development. I knew that portions of personality get cast onto toys, studied and manipulated, later to be reabsorbed. Suddenly taking them away too soon interrupts portions of personality growth. Most of us ‘get over it’ and grow anyway, but it can be difficult for children, or in this case for me and my art.

​Time to ‘Grow Up’.
 
With all this on my mind, I eventually came to the realization that  I took the responsibility to create these paintings, I and not anyone else should take the responsibility to destroy them. If I didn’t want them, didn’t want to sell them and I needed the wall space to display more –more improved, artistic creations of course - then it was time.

Destruction
 
I reluctantly removed three victims off their hooks and out of their frames. As if saying ‘goodbye’, I softly thanked them for the opportunity to paint their likenesses. Then I picked up scissors and plunged into the first canvas back. As I tore canvas from backing, I wanted to close my eyes so as not to see the image.  The second painting seemed easier and by the third I ripped and pulled with energy. (Was I enjoying this?)
 
( “No animals were harmed or killed during this process.”)

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​“Okay, so I didn’t die,” I thought. Happily, as far as I can tell no portions of my ‘self’ or personality hurt either. Then I looked up at the bare wall spaces. Dust and wall yawned at me. They appeared to beckon, begging me to fill them once again. What to paint? What to paint? Oh, What to paint?
 
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Susie